Realignment, setbacks and course corrections.

Anyone else ever go go go until it all comes to a crashing halt?

Hi, hello. It’s me again.

I’ve been MIA here for a minute because my writing efforts have been pouring into something else for the last couple of weeks. But I’m finding a routine and balance in my new life adjustments, and know that this space here is just as important as the fictional worlds I write in as well.

I’d say the last few months have been….different. In my headspace, I’ve been devoted and consistent with the goals I’ve had for the future. Despite big transitions, despite heartbreak and chapters of my life coming to a close, I’ve remained focused on the work I know I want to be creating in the future. Not only in my writing, but in life as well.

Ideas for what the next few years will look like. How things may shift in one direction or another.

And then, as if the Universe had wild other plans, everything came crashing to a halt.

In one single moment, the meticulously constructed routines and efforts I had put together became absolutely irrelevant.

And that’s where I’ve been the last few weeks. In this internal world of what if’s and hypotheticals and hope and fear and gratitude and resentment.

How do you move forward when the vision becomes obsolete?

What does life look like when you know where you want to end up, but have no idea the path you’ll take to get there?

And then, ironically, everything shifted again. My perspective became clear in the uncertainty.

The unknowing stood center stage and I realized….

Maybe that was the gift all along.

In the midst of the chaos, I thought I was losing everything. My brain tends to hit hyper speed on worst case scenarios. In a single instant, I’ll project every horrible situation that will roll into another and another and another.

Except, in a round about way, I was being handed the opportunity to go after my dreams. I was provided the timing to spend more of it with my daughter, and even more time curating my art.

I haven’t been able to finish the story I’ve been working on for months now because I have not had the energy. I’ve been exhausted, at the end of the day, with everything happening in between wake ups and goodnights. It left no room to create and express and invest my time into the stories that fill my head.

So everything has sat half-assed and poorly executed. Does anyone else resonate with that? I’d like to believe I’m not the only one. But who knows, sometimes I think I’m the only person who can’t manage time as well as everyone else does.

It’s an adjustment though. It absolutely is. It feels like I have to force my mind to constantly remain calm. I have to convince myself that safety is what I’m giving myself, not found in the security of other people and jobs and commitments.

It’s reminded me that at the end of the day, we take care of ourselves. I’m being thrown back into feelings I had during my divorce, when I realized I had nothing outside of being a wife and mother. While those things are incredible, they’re also terrifying when you realize you have to survive on your own.

So once again, I’m reminded that I absolutely loathe relying on anything else. Jobs included. It’s one reason I love writing so much. I feel like I’m just a bit more in control than if I was doing something else. (Except in the instance of the Zon. We’re all at the mercy of the Zon in every moment and that in itself is absolutely infuriating.)

All of this to say, it’s been three years of movement. Three years are discovering and diving and burying and digging up again and feeling and crying and laughing and creating and ultimately…

Moving forward.

Again and again and again.

So let’s keep going and see how good it can get.