Navigating breakups and broken hearts

Being Queer and dating again is a real sh*t show

I think this is actually a me problem. So, I’m writing this from the perspective of someone who feels absolutely everything, all the time, in every way.

Like I said, it’s a me thing.

It’s hard being able to see every perspective, because then you’re never sure which one is really right.

The craziest part about turning 32, is knowing that the majority of my life was spent with someone else already. I’ve been with someone longer than I’ve ever been alone. Whether that was living at home with family while I grew up, or getting married at 18 and immediately moving away to be with him.

I should have gotten all of these experiences out of the way by now. I should be far wiser than I actually am. I should be a better communicator, I should be more confident, I should be more sure of who I am above everything else.

I have days when I am. But many days feel like I’m wading through murky waters of what feels warmest or coldest, edging myself further into the corners I feel safest in.

See, divorce never prepared me for breakups. It’s a completely different game. Hell, it feels like a totally different planet.

I’m not saying breakups are worse than divorce, not at all. However, divorce feels like an impending storm, brewing on the sidelines before it finally crashes to shore. You can almost prepare for it internally, for quite a while. Through separation or the idea of things ending over and over again. Divorce isn’t usually a decision you make on a whim. And it’s a deep, agonizing wound the remains open for a very long time.

Breakups feel sharper. It’s a sting, a snapping of hope after wreckage. It feels heavier to have hope for something after you’ve gone through divorce, because it takes a lot longer to get there. You know what’s at stake, you know what you could lose if everything is destroyed.

You know there’s a darkness you never want to revisit again.